Talking to Crazy by Mark Goulston – Book Summary
“Talking to Crazy” by Mark Goulston is a practical guide for handling irrational behavior in others. Drawing from his deep experience as a psychiatrist and business advisor, Goulston offers strategies to disarm people in “crazy mode.” This book helps readers stay calm, build empathy, and communicate effectively—even when emotions run high. It’s not about diagnosing mental illness, but managing everyday irrationality we all encounter.
Who May Benefit from the Book
- Parents dealing with children or teens prone to emotional outbursts
- Professionals managing difficult colleagues or clients
- Individuals in strained personal relationships
- Leaders and managers seeking calm conflict resolution
- Anyone frustrated by frequent miscommunication or arguments
Top 3 Key Insights
- People act irrationally when they feel powerless or emotionally unsafe.
- Responding with empathy, not logic, helps de-escalate tension.
- Control struggles only feed irrationality—disarm with understanding instead.
4 More Lessons and Takeaways
- Everyone has “crazy” moments: We all act irrationally at times. Recognizing this helps us show patience and self-awareness.
- Learn emotional patterns: People repeat behavior when triggered. Spotting these patterns allows better responses and less escalation.
- Set firm boundaries calmly: Make it clear what behavior is unacceptable—without yelling or threats. Boundaries create emotional safety.
- Seek professional help when needed: Persistent irrationality could point to deeper mental health issues that require therapy or medication.
The Book in 1 Sentence
Learn to manage irrational people without losing your cool by using empathy, calm boundaries, and emotional insight.
The Book Summary in 1 Minute
Everyone goes a little “crazy” sometimes—whether from stress, rejection, or fear of losing control. Mark Goulston explains how to deal with these irrational behaviors effectively. Instead of fighting back or arguing, the key is to use empathy, listen deeply, and avoid power struggles. Learn how to spot emotional triggers, keep your own cool, and defuse tension before it explodes. Through personal stories and professional insights, Goulston shows how to turn emotional chaos into meaningful communication—and when needed, seek professional help.
The Book Summary in 7 Minutes
Sometimes, rational adults act in wildly irrational ways. Mark Goulston calls this going into “crazy mode.” His book helps you understand these behaviors—and gives you tools to respond without losing your mind.
We All Have Moments of Madness
Not every irrational act means someone is mentally ill. It could be denial, lashing out, or fear-based retreat. Goulston urges us to admit our own irrational moments. By doing so, we become better equipped to empathize with others.
Recognize Emotional Triggers
Most irrationality starts when a person feels threatened or ignored. Past trauma, rejection, or shame can activate “crazy mode.” Instead of arguing, try to understand what fear or pain is being triggered.
Common triggers:
| Trigger Type | Example |
|---|---|
| Fear of Rejection | “You don’t care about me.” |
| Need for Control | “You’re not listening to me!” |
| Emotional Baggage | “This always happens to me.” |
Understanding these can help you avoid escalating the situation.
Stop Arguing, Start Empathizing
Logic rarely helps when someone is irrational. Instead of countering their emotion with facts, validate their feelings. Say something like, “I see this is upsetting for you,” to create safety. This doesn’t mean agreeing with their behavior—but showing understanding.
Let Them Feel In Control
People act out when they feel powerless. Letting them regain a sense of control can calm them down. One strategy is using disarming honesty. Goulston shares how he defused road rage by expressing vulnerability rather than aggression.
Try:
- A sincere apology
- Acknowledging their complaints
- Offering them a choice
These responses shift their mindset from combat to cooperation.
Set Boundaries Without Escalating
You don’t have to accept bad behavior. Calmly explain what you will and won’t tolerate. If someone yells, say, “I’ll stay on the call if we speak respectfully.” This sets a clear limit and protects your peace.
Avoid Power Struggles
Trying to “win” over an irrational person makes things worse. Instead of pushing back, redirect their energy. Change the topic to something neutral, then return to the issue later, once they’re calmer. Or respond to sarcasm with sarcasm to throw them off script.
Example:
If your boss says, “Why would I ask you, of all people?”
Reply: “I wonder that myself sometimes.”
This unexpected answer often softens their stance.
Dealing with Manipulation
People who don’t accept “no” may try to manipulate others. This could be emotional guilt-tripping, gossip, or passive aggression. Recognize these behaviors and don’t fall for them. Respond with clarity: “Let’s talk about this together with the person involved.”
If they continue, hold firm but stay kind. Avoid fueling their anger.
Stay Connected to the Rational Self
Even during outbursts, every person still has a rational part inside. Aim your response toward that. After the storm passes, ask them: “Did you mean what you said earlier?” Usually, the answer is no. They were just lost in emotion.
Bringing them back to their rational side requires patience, trust, and calm.
Relationships and Irrationality
Romantic partners often trigger each other’s irrational behaviors. Goulston recommends becoming your partner’s emotional ally—especially during hard times. Be their champion, not their critic. This strengthens the relationship, even under stress.
If a breakup happens, focus on protecting children. Avoid using them in emotional battles. Always put their well-being first.
Silence Can Be Irrational Too
Sometimes, irrationality shows up as withdrawal. A person might shut down because they’re overwhelmed. Try articulating what they might be feeling. Ask them if it’s accurate. You can also say something and ask them to repeat it, like, “Say, ‘I’m really hurt, and I don’t know what to do.’”
This approach breaks emotional silence and invites them back into connection.
When to Seek Professional Help
Not all “crazy” is temporary. If someone is consistently irrational, manipulative, violent, or emotionally unstable, they may need professional help. You can’t fix serious mental illness with love or logic alone.
Professional options:
| Help Type | Description |
|---|---|
| Psychiatry | For diagnosis and medication |
| Psychotherapy | Long-term treatment for emotional issues |
| Counseling | Short-term support and guidance |
Knowing when to step back and involve a professional can protect both you and the other person.
About the Author
Mark Goulston is a renowned psychiatrist, executive coach, and consultant. He has worked with major organizations like FBI hostage negotiation teams, CEOs, and crisis intervention units. Goulston is the bestselling author of several books, including “Just Listen.” His expertise in communication and emotional behavior makes him a respected voice in both mental health and business circles. He is also a former UCLA professor of psychiatry.
How to Get the Best of the Book
Read a chapter a day and reflect on your personal interactions. Practice the techniques during real-life conflicts. Keep a journal of situations where you used empathy and note the outcomes.
Conclusion
“Talking to Crazy” gives you a calm, clear path through emotional storms. It reminds you that irrationality is part of being human—but with empathy and insight, you don’t have to get pulled into it. Use this guide to build better communication, strong boundaries, and deeper relationships.