Closer to Love: How to Attract the Right Relationships and Deepen Your Connections by Vex King

Closer to Love: How to Attract the Right Relationships and Deepen Your Connections by Vex King explores the core idea that lasting partnerships are rooted in profound self-love. It solves the modern dilemma of disposable dating and toxic emotional attachments by providing a roadmap for inner healing. Amidst rising loneliness and digital distraction, mastering your internal emotional landscape matters today because it is essential for forging resilient, authentic, and fulfilling partnerships.

Who May Benefit

• Singles navigating the modern dating world seeking authentic, long-term romantic connections.
• Couples wanting to deepen intimacy, improve communication, and resolve recurring conflicts.
• Individuals recovering from heartbreak or carrying relationship trauma.
• People struggling with anxious, avoidant, or insecure attachment patterns.
• Anyone looking to cultivate unconditional self-love and higher emotional intelligence.

Top 3 Key Insights

1. Inner healing must precede external connection; self-love dictates relationship quality.
2. Vulnerability is a courageous necessity for building deep, authentic emotional intimacy.
3. Unconditional love is an active, daily practice, not just a passive feeling.

4 More Takeaways

• Recognize and outgrow restrictive childhood attachment styles.
• Shift from reactive arguments to mindful, emotionally intelligent disagreements.
• Protect your autonomy; a healthy couple requires three distinct identities.
• Raise your emotional frequency to effortlessly attract aligned, positive partners.

Book in 1 Sentence

Closer to Love reveals that mastering self-love, healing past trauma, and embracing vulnerability are the keys to attracting and sustaining authentic, unconditional relationships.

Book in 1 Minute

In Closer to Love, Vex King argues that the foundation of any healthy relationship is the one you have with yourself. Before seeking a soulmate, you must undertake the difficult journey of inner healing, letting go of emotional hoarding, and confronting insecure attachment styles. Moving beyond the romanticized, often toxic Hollywood version of love, King provides a practical framework for building real intimacy through clear boundaries, effective communication, and radical vulnerability. He defines love as a verb—an active, daily choice to support another’s growth without sacrificing your autonomy. Ultimately, the book teaches that love is an energetic vibration; by raising your frequency through self-care and emotional intelligence, you effortlessly attract the profound connections you truly deserve, transforming love into a sustainable way of life.

1 Unique Aspect

King distinctly merges modern psychological frameworks, like attachment theory and neuroplasticity, with Eastern spiritual philosophies, including samskaras and energetic vibrational frequencies. This holistic blend provides a multidimensional approach bridging cognitive behavioral shifts with spiritual energy alignment.

Chapter-wise Summary

Chapter 1: Closer to Me, Closer to You

“Love is the bridge between you and everything.”

The initial chapter emphasizes that our external relationships directly mirror our internal relationship with ourselves. King explains how our foundational understanding of love is formed in childhood and warns against seeking partners to simply “fix” our unmet needs. Instead, individuals must engage in deep self-inquiry, establish firm boundaries, and build a strong sense of self-awareness. By dropping limiting narratives and healing personal trauma before entering a partnership, we prevent past wounds from infecting new connections, creating a solid base for true, lasting love.

Chapter Key Points:

• Self-love dictates relationship quality.
• Heal before you connect.
• Audit your emotional blockages.

Chapter 2: Closed Heart, Open Heart

“A relationship forms a trinity – you, the other person, and the connection.”

King explores the detrimental effects of emotional hoarding, where clinging to past resentments suffocates our ability to love. He unpacks attachment theory, explaining how secure, anxious, dismissive, and fearful avoidant styles dictate adult relationship dynamics. By recognizing these ingrained patterns, we can consciously establish “cut-off lines” to separate past trauma from current reality. True healing from heartbreak demands opening our hearts, processing grief fully, and releasing defensive egos to welcome new, secure bonds instead of shutting down emotionally.

Chapter Key Points:

• Stop your emotional hoarding.
• Identify your attachment style.
• Keep your heart open.

Chapter 3: Making Space

“The only thing that’s greater than loving yourself is seeing someone you love finally love themselves, too.”

This chapter stresses the importance of shifting from a chaotic headspace to a mindful heart space. King introduces three spheres of love—pure, personal, and practical—and explains how unresolved grief creates destructive “rebound” dynamics. By understanding the phases of grief and processing samskaras (psychological imprints), individuals can rewire neural pathways toward positivity. Making emotional space requires abandoning passive-aggressive communication, honoring personal needs, and fiercely protecting boundaries so authentic connection can finally thrive.

In the book, love is conceptualized through three distinct spheres: the pure, the personal, and the practical. Here is how they differ:

• Pure love is an absolute, autonomous energy and a universal concept. It is a constant presence in the world, whether we actively recognize it or not. You might experience pure love in brief, awe-inspiring flashes—what the philosopher Rudolf Otto referred to as the “numinous”. These are moments of divine rapture, profound peace, or spiritual unveiling that you might feel out in nature, in a sacred space, or during a moment of intense connection with a partner.
• Personal love is your individualized, human experience of love, which is built upon layers of your past. It is formed by your unique memories, habits, preferences, and behavioural conditioning, usually directed at one specific person. Because personal love is tied up in our attachments, past pain, and fluctuating emotions, it is highly subject to change and is not considered a reliable foundation on its own.
• Practical love is the active, continuous choice to nurture love. It acts as a bridge between the idealized version of love we think about and the reality of how we experience it, helping us overcome our preconceived limitations. Practical love requires actively cultivating compassion and acceptance for both yourself and those around you, demonstrating that loving is fundamentally about “doing” rather than merely “feeling”.

Ultimately, pure love is the divine energy we occasionally tap into, personal love is our flawed, emotional accumulation of experiences, and practical love is the intentional, daily effort required to sustain authentic connections.

In Eastern philosophy, samskaras are subconscious psychological and emotional imprints formed from past experiences that shape our behavior, reactions, and worldview. These impressions are stored deep in the unconscious mind and surface when triggered, bringing associated emotions into awareness.

Samskaras condition how we respond to situations, becoming stronger through repeated thoughts and actions. They can be positive, guiding us toward growth, or negative, causing repeated mistakes, unhealthy habits, and emotional attachment to past experiences.

This concept aligns with modern neuroscience, particularly neuroplasticity, where repeated behaviors strengthen neural pathways in the brain.

Ultimately, by recognizing and understanding our samskaras, we can break harmful patterns, rewire our responses, and foster healthier emotional and behavioral habits.

The four phases of grief, developed by John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes, outline the emotional process of coming to terms with the loss of an attachment:

1. Shock and numbness: An initial state of shock acts as a defense mechanism to help you cope, because you are not yet ready to accept the reality of the loss.
2. Yearning and searching: In this phase, you experience a range of emotions such as anger, confusion, and sadness. You yearn for your loved one to return and question why the loss had to happen.
3. Disorganization and despair: As the reality of the situation truly sinks in, feelings of hopelessness and despair set in. You may feel the urge to withdraw from everyday life as you realize that nothing will ever be the same again.
4. Reorganization and recovery: You begin to understand that your life has changed and start to accept your new “normal”. While you may not stop grieving entirely, your energy and interest in life slowly return, and you are able to view things more positively and rekindle good memories of the lost relationship.

Chapter Key Points:

• Shift to your heart space.
• Rewire destructive neural pathways.
• Protect your individual boundaries.

Chapter 4: Decoding Attraction

“Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you’. Mature love says: ‘I need you because I love you’.”

King dissects the modern dating landscape, warning against superficial attractions driven by social media and fleeting pleasure. He categorizes attraction into various forms—sexual, physical, romantic, emotional, aesthetic, intellectual, and spiritual. True relationship fulfillment comes not from playing toxic dating games, but from finding a partner whose values, communication style, and empathy align with yours. Transitioning from falling to rising in love means releasing unrealistic expectations and embracing healthy, reality-based relationship dynamics.

Chapter Key Points:

• Attraction isn’t solely physical.
• Avoid toxic dating games.
• Expectations cause relationship disappointment.

Chapter 5: Ten Relationship Rules

“Relationship goals: Two people who love each other unconditionally not only share a vision for the future, but also support one another’s dreams in the hope that they both shine.”

Comparing relationships to the orbit of stars, King offers ten actionable rules to sustain a healthy partnership. These include continuing small romantic gestures, disagreeing fairly without gaslighting, honoring deep intimacy, sharing domestic chores equitably, and having uncomfortable conversations. He emphasizes the importance of friendship within the romantic bond, avoiding comparisons to past lovers, and actively holding space for your partner’s reality to foster mutual respect and long-term evolutionary growth.

1. Keep doing the little things: It is common for the intense energy of a new romance to fade into a complacent routine where partners stop paying attention to one another. To keep the connection alive, you must continue to actively show your care through small, consistent gestures, such as sending sweet text messages, planning date nights, or simply giving them your undivided attention without digital distractions.

2. Disagree fairly: Disagreements are a natural part of two unique individuals coming together, but they must be handled with respect. You should avoid manipulation, verbal bullying, and gaslighting. Instead, actively listen to your partner without trying to prove you are right, take a time-out to calm down if things escalate, and avoid dismissive body language like eye-rolling or crossing your arms.

3. Honour intimacy: Intimacy requires a non-judgmental space where you can share your unmasked self. It goes beyond physical touch to include emotional, intellectual, and spiritual closeness. Cultivate this by communicating your needs openly, sharing stories, showing affection outside of sex, and overcoming the fears that prevent you from being vulnerable.

4. Do the dishes: This rule emphasizes the importance of establishing balance and pulling your weight with daily chores. Arguments about washing dishes or taking out the trash are rarely just about the tasks themselves; they are usually symptoms of deeper feelings of being unappreciated, unsupported, or disrespected.

5. Have the hard talks: Uncomfortable conversations are necessary because delayed problems will only multiply. You must be willing to openly discuss your relationship concerns, fears, and vulnerabilities before they fester into resentment. Scheduling dedicated time to tackle these hard topics with love and compassion can save your relationship from future regrets.

6. Never compare: Comparing your current partner to an ex is unfair and projects your past trauma onto a completely different person. Furthermore, you should avoid comparing your relationship to those of your friends or people on social media, as this breeds discontent and creates unrealistic expectations that rob you of your own joy.

7. Have a plan: Instead of navigating a relationship blindly, agree on important ground rules, boundaries, and shared goals early on. Discussing your non-negotiables, how you will handle conflicts, and what you both ultimately want out of the connection ensures you are heading in the same direction without sacrificing your autonomy.

8. Hold space: Holding space means allowing multiple realities and perspectives to coexist without judgment. It requires you to listen deeply to your partner’s feelings and resist the urge to immediately try to “fix” their problems or impose your own opinions.

9. Friendship first: A lack of friendship is often the root of an unhappy relationship. You should treat your romantic partner with the same respect, enthusiasm, and support you would offer a best friend. This involves celebrating their successes, being their cheerleader, and taking a genuine interest in their life, while also maintaining healthy friendships outside of your romantic bond.

10. Prioritize personal growth: You cannot control your partner’s actions, but you can control your own responses. A successful relationship requires you to focus on your own emotional healing, let go of resentment, and replace reactive behavior with mindful responses. By working on your own self-awareness and learning to forgive, you bring a healthier version of yourself to the relationship.

Chapter Key Points:

• Do the little things.
• Disagree fairly and respectfully.
• Hold space for your partner.

Chapter 6: Your Demons Versus Their Demons

“Never judge someone’s story by the page you landed on. Take time to learn about their previous chapters.”

Relationships inevitably trigger deep-seated insecurities and unhealed emotional wounds. King highlights that fights are usually driven by secondary emotions like anger covering primary emotions like feeling unloved or rejected. By cultivating emotional and relational intelligence, partners can stop projecting their past traumas onto one another. Establishing healthy communication requires recognizing your own triggers, stopping emotional blackmail, and validating your partner’s feelings without attempting to “fix” them.

Chapter Key Points:

• Identify primary vs. secondary emotions.
• Communicate; avoid emotional blackmail.
• You cannot fix your partner.

Chapter 7: Being Vulnerable

“Vulnerability is allowing yourself to be seen but trusting the other person not to hurt you.”

Vulnerability is painted as the ultimate gateway to true intimacy. King debunks the myth that emotional exposure is a weakness, illustrating that opening up requires immense bravery. Drawing on the Naikan introspection practice, he encourages individuals to reflect on what they give, receive, and cause in their relationships. A strong foundation of self-trust is necessary to trust others and survive potential betrayals. Ultimately, lowering defensive walls fosters the profound connection required to align deeply with a partner.

Chapter Key Points:

• Vulnerability births true intimacy.
• Use introspection to heal.
• Self-trust precedes partner trust.

Chapter 8: When to Walk Away

“The Universe will replace people who do not reciprocate your love. That is why love is never lost, it is only found.”

Deciding whether to leave or stay in a struggling relationship is incredibly difficult. King warns against staying out of fear, codependency, or the illusion of “fantasy bonds” where genuine emotional connection has vanished. Utilizing John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” (criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, contempt), he outlines clear signs of terminal relationship decay. Walking away from toxic or unaligned partnerships is an act of self-love; holding onto self-worth ensures you only commit to truly reciprocal, safe environments.

Chapter Key Points:

• Recognize the “Four Horsemen”.
• Beware hollow fantasy bonds.
• Walking away is self-love.

Chapter 9: Love Is a Verb

“Love is in the doing, not the feeling. Love doesn’t happen as a result of the circumstances; love happens because of you.”

Moving past Hollywood’s fleeting fantasy of romantic love, King redefines love as a consistent, daily action. Drawing on Sternberg’s Triangle of Love (intimacy, passion, commitment), he illustrates that a lasting connection requires active effort. Love demands that we show up, compromise, and act as cheerleaders for our partners. Rather than passively waiting for sparks to fly, healthy couples intentionally cultivate shared rituals, emotional closeness, and robust friendship to weather inevitable conflicts.

Chapter Key Points:

• Love requires daily action.
• Balance intimacy, passion, commitment.
• Cultivate shared, meaningful rituals.

Chapter 10: Love Is a Vibe

“Love loves to love love.”

Viewing love through a metaphysical and scientific lens, King explains how human beings operate on vibrational frequencies. Emotions like shame and fear vibrate at low frequencies, while joy and unconditional love resonate at the highest levels, according to Dr. David Hawkins’ map of consciousness. By consciously elevating our energetic vibrations—through gratitude, creation, listening to our intuition, and using solfeggio frequencies—we naturally attract partners who resonate at our healthy, loving frequency.

Chapter Key Points:

• Emotions have vibrational frequencies.
• Love vibrates at the highest level.
• Listen to your deep intuition.

Chapter 11: Love Is a Way of Life

“If there was no love in life, there would be no life. We can’t exist without it.”

In the concluding chapter, love transcends romantic partnership to become a universal state of being. King argues that unconditional love is a human right that should be freely given, without strings attached or expectations of transaction. True love respects boundaries, empowers autonomy, and rejects manipulation. By embodying love in all daily interactions, cultivating radical acceptance, and finding the best in others, we achieve “wholehearted love,” profoundly transforming both our inner world and cherished relationships.

Chapter Key Points:

• Love is a universal energy.
• Unconditional love demands boundaries.
• Embrace wholehearted, non-transactional love.

10 Notable Quotes

1. “The love you experience with others will be a direct reflection of the love you share with yourself.”
2. “Love is the bridge between you and everything.”
3. “A relationship forms a trinity – you, the other person, and the connection.”
4. “Love is in the doing, not the feeling.”
5. “Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you’. Mature love says: ‘I need you because I love you’.”
6. “Vulnerability is allowing yourself to be seen but trusting the other person not to hurt you.”
7. “The Universe will replace people who do not reciprocate your love. That is why love is never lost, it is only found.”
8. “You don’t have to be spiritual to experience love, but love can be a spiritual experience.”
9. “Loving yourself deeply enables you to love others with more authenticity and fewer judgements.”
10. “Unconditional love doesn’t mean staying for the sake of it. Unconditional love means always doing what is true and right from your deepest sense of self-awareness.”

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About the Author

Vex King is a Number 1 Sunday Times bestselling author, mind coach, and social media content creator. Overcoming severe childhood adversity, including homelessness, the loss of his father, and experiencing racism and violence, King successfully transformed his life to become a leading voice in the personal development space. He is best known for his massive hit Good Vibes, Good Life, as well as Healing Is the New High, both of which focus on self-love, spiritual awareness, and healing past trauma. He applies these concepts to interpersonal dynamics in Closer to Love. Through his work, King distills complex psychological and spiritual concepts into accessible, practical advice for a modern audience, driving a revolution for the next generation of spiritual seekers. With a massive following across social media platforms, he empowers individuals to break destructive cycles, elevate their vibrational frequencies, and live authentically.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What is the core premise of Closer to Love? It argues that the ability to form deep, meaningful relationships with others stems directly from healing and loving yourself first.
2. How do attachment styles affect our relationships? Formed in childhood, attachment styles (secure, anxious, dismissive, fearful) dictate how we respond to intimacy, conflict, and trust as adults.
3. What does it mean to “make space” in a relationship? Making space involves releasing past traumas, honoring boundaries, and holding room for your partner’s reality without judgment.
4. Are arguments in a relationship healthy? Yes, if done correctly. Healthy disagreements build understanding, provided couples use emotional intelligence and avoid contempt.
5. What are the “Four Horsemen” mentioned in the book? Derived from Dr. John Gottman’s research, they are criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt—indicators of relationship breakdown.
6. Why does the author call love a “verb”? Because love must be an active, daily choice demonstrated through commitment, respect, and supportive actions, rather than just a passive feeling.
7. What is a “fantasy bond”? A term by Dr. Robert Firestone describing an illusion of connection where couples go through the motions to avoid loneliness but lack true intimacy.
8. Does unconditional love mean putting up with abuse? Absolutely not. Unconditional love requires strong personal boundaries; it means offering love freely while protecting your own wellbeing.
9. How can I increase my “love vibration”? By practicing self-care, cultivating gratitude, engaging in creative hobbies, and avoiding negative media, you raise your energetic frequency.
10. When is the right time to walk away from a relationship? When you are constantly betraying your core values, experiencing unresolved contempt, and the partnership stunts your individual growth.

Theories and Concepts

• Attachment Theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s framework explaining how childhood caregiver dynamics shape adult attachment styles (secure, anxious, dismissive, fearful).
• The Triangle of Love: Dr. Robert J. Sternberg’s theory that consummate love requires a balance of intimacy, passion, and commitment.
• The Four Phases of Grief: Bowlby and Parkes’ model detailing shock, yearning, disorganization, and reorganization in response to loss.
• Samskaras: An Eastern concept of psychological imprints from past experiences that subconsciously dictate our habits and reactions.
• Map of Consciousness: Dr. David Hawkins’ scale measuring the vibrational frequencies of human emotions, showing love radiating at 500 Hz.

Books and Authors

• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller: Recommended for understanding the science of adult attachment styles.
• The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge: Used to explain neuroplasticity and rewiring positive neural pathways.
• Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel: Quoted to discuss the unrealistic modern expectation that one partner should fulfill an entire “village” of needs.
• The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman: Referenced to explore how individuals uniquely give and receive affection based on their emotional needs.

Persons

• Rumi: The 13th-century Sufi poet frequently quoted by King to illustrate love as a profound, bridge-building spiritual energy.
• Brené Brown: Researcher highlighted for her work on vulnerability as the birthplace of courage, joy, and genuine connection.
• Dr. John Gottman: Marital expert cited for his “Four Horsemen” framework that predicts relationship failures.
• Marina Abramović: Visual artist referenced for her performance art demonstrating the intense emotional power of vulnerability and silent presence.

How to Use This Book

Use this book as a reflective mirror. Audit your emotional blockages, past traumas, and attachment styles. Then, apply King’s ten relationship rules and communication strategies to actively cultivate authentic, secure, and boundaries-driven intimacy with your partner.

Conclusion

Closer to Love is a powerful reminder that the relationships we foster with others are only ever as deep as the one we have with ourselves. By stepping into vulnerability and actively choosing love every day, we transform our romantic lives into an empowering spiritual journey. Don’t just look for the right partner—commit to doing the inner work to become the right partner today.